Practical Tips for Raising an Autistic Child

Having raised a daughter who has Asperger’s/Autism and who is now an adult, some life lessons of studying and practicing spirituality apply to real life situations.  Those hours I have spent praying and meditating apply when I may be at wit’s end dealing with someone who—whether they are five or fifteen years old--knows it all, won’t accept direction and can have a meltdown at any moment.

My daughter, S., was undiagnosed as Autistic for most of her life.  When she was a toddler what I knew and lived with was tantrums, which are now called meltdowns.  Those meltdowns could routinely be brought about by her anticipating social events, having new classes or sports activities, dealing with teachers and school, and disavowing belonging to any group.

As she grew, we faced anger issues, pathological demand avoidance and her suffering through comparing herself to others.   It was very hard for her to engage in friendships as well.  Eventually we sought counseling and as her parent I was the one criticized for her lack of discipline.

Some things we did, however, worked well:

-       Have a plan.  It helps to have a stable, predictable schedule.  We may not always achieve the plan, but most autistics want to know what is coming up.  Also, when very young, it helps to explain what is happening in the moment and what is expected behavior.

-        In the face of a meltdown, don’t personally get frustrated and instead go into a neutral state of mind that can cope.  Change the environment, lighting, temperature, or sounds to accommodate a highly sensitive autistic person.

-       Leave the house with plenty of time to get ready and not put undue pressure on the autistic person.  When S. was young, I dressed her in her preschool clothes the night before, and she slept in those clothes so that it was an easier exit the next day rather than going through a meltdown.

-       Practice heart response rather than head reaction.  This is a way to empathize rather than judge.  It often becomes obvious that our brains and therefore our perceptions are different than the autistic person.  Listening and understanding promotes well-being and safety rather than chaos.

-        And for me, prayer was a necessary tool.  My child became so accustomed to my calling out to God for help that in the face of my impending anger at her, she would extol me to “Pray, Mom!”  She has taught me to exercise presence, the art of sincerely being in the alive, sacred moment.